Current location:	Miss K's abobe...
Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	The whirl of many fans
Entry tags:	hard times., miss k, roles, spiritual leadership

Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper & Lime Pepsi Are Okay, But I Wonder If They Mix . . .
Whole lot on my mind today... Miss K's ex husband remarried over the weekend, she is still emotionally (and mentally) wonky from it, the kids are acting up, I'm getting fatigued, and I've hit the "hump" in both my work at school and my work here at the house. (For those that don't know -- I've been digging a ditch to lay drain pipe to solve an erosion & water flow problem here. Its a major project, and rebuilding the terraces just got added to it by their design -- something else I had not planned on! I've been doing most of this work by myself, and though I do not resent working alone - I had higher expectations of having help on it.)

The worst thing about my world at the moment is that some of the stresses, unhappiness, anxiety, and general doubt about the way the world is turning have been spilling over into my relationship with Miss K. I can't say that is entirely a one way street, but having her lost in her own world, moderately depressed, stressed, and anxiety riddled is not enjoyable to watch. I've tried to communicate that anyone in the same situation would feel these things, and that they are temporary --- but I know in my heart she is using this dark time to evaluate everything including: her relationship with me, if she really wants to stay, the possibility of finding another, how to minimize the impact on her kids of the goings on now,  coming to terms with the past... I know this is also being viewed through a dark prism, and the ghosts of the past are very much alive at the moment. Though I had not intended to, I caused her to hurt too -- and I know she still feels some of that. At times I can feel her anger still lingering in the air (and I am unused to feeling it with high intensity), and though the source varies - her hurt is a near constant on some level.

Intuitively I sense something else as well, and it has raised some hairs on the back of my neck...   These are trying times, and they are trying for both of us. While I love her tremendously, and incredibly deeply - my plans for her are conditional, my love for her is not. I realize I did lose something over the past couple months during another period of hurt. I lost a bit of the will to want to take certain roles. Those were roles I was formerly completely happy to try to step into. Even not completely ready, I would have simply moved them to the top (or higher on) the priority list. I've overcome plenty, and with a spirit of total willingness, hard work, and preparation - I likely would have overcome those things too. Suddenly I find myself less willing to do those things, and I do know why -- I just haven't been willing to admit the degree to which those hurts damaged my trust. faith, and hopes. It has created a bit of a cooling down period for me, and I no longer press as hard. Its also created days in which I come here and I still feel it in my heart - though I have forgiven her any pain - it still creeps up from time to time.  Over the weekend I nearly broke down in tears from it when she walked in the door, and I didn't want to add to her burden sharing it with her. So I choked back the tears, and simply tried as best I could to enjoy the night.  We had a pretty good night out, a concert is always a bit of fun, and we needed the night out.  I have not dealt with those emotions fully, but at least I am conscious that they are still there, having an impact, and will be for a little while ... 

There are lots of stages, and this is a stage where things go one of two ways: we either fix what we need to -- which takes a bit of work, a lot of patience, a lot of compassion, and a commitment to communication -- or we let those things deteriorate. I'm not willing to let this deteriorate quietly. Despite unpleasantness at the moment; I see the good things. I'm not in as dark of a place as she is, though I feel like a frickin' amateur (and I am at many of the things we face) and I don't know what to do ... If we survive this period as a couple, the tools we have picked up along the way to do it will be the tools that form a foundation to solve anything. We will need them! We can turn outwardly, inwardly, or toward each other for the hope & support we need.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep doing everything else I should: Dishes, work on the house, cook, try to take care of her, try to take care of the kids, take care of myself, school, lawn...and yeah, I still have a few things on the board I've let slide for a time ... but it has sparked some thought about roles. 

I have a lot more to share ... but I need to share it with someone else first.