A dose of Sacred Salt
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Friday, November 6, 2009
It aches today a good deal to be apart from Miss K. Yes, I saw her on Monday, but I miss her terribly tonight. I miss her company, the scent of her hair, her conversation, her touch, touching her, being able to hold her, and hold her hand. I also want her today, to where that aches too. I miss having my best friend at arms reach, and there is nothing that can replace that. It physically hurts to be apart from her.
I've been incredibly blessed to have a woman who loves me dearly, that I like, and love deeply, with good values, and a good heart. I don't know if God brought her into my life to prove they exist, or because in spite of everything else standing in the way at the moment -- that she is the one I will marry, become one with, and cherish the rest of my days.
I've never felt as giddy to meet anyone in my life as I did her! As time passes, and those little bits of reality sink in, and the things that you take on to accept someone completely, to love them completely become clearer... I realize how terribly important a servants heart is in all of this, and sometimes how insecure the feeling of not being bound as one feels. I don't want to go through all of these things alone. I want her by my side. I think she wants me there as well.
Its no easy thing to truly love someone. My head is clouded by herx, my emotions made wonky from it, extreme fatigue, and the stresses of school, life, and everything else in my own world -- and mix them with the stresses she is under of school, raising children largely by herself, family, the million and one things that go wrong with a house, coping with a much more recent than her demeanor would let on divorce, and everything that clouds her head, and emotions too ... Add in the inevitable conflicts any couple has, and just things in her nature, and mine that don't always mesh to resolve things without hurt ... I feel like a complete amateur some days with this, and honestly, in some ways I am. I'm thankful we always come back to the table, but to say I understand her is one thing, to say I know how to handle her with that understanding is another completely. I struggle enough some days to understand me, and how to handle me. ha
I never feel as much joy as when I am doing things for her, and I know its appreciated by her. I still take quite a bit of joy even when it isn't, or isn't spoken. I'm blessed to have her in my life, and that she shares so much of it with me. At some point I lost a bit of that realization, and it doesn't do good things to a relationship. I'll admit the herx, and the moderate bit of depression it causes played a role, but that is in part a cop out. My thinking wasn't right, and over time it made my emotions not quite right. How does one truly maintain servants heart day after day? Its something that I don't just want an answer to. Its something that I truly need an answer to... Life is a long time, and more often than not those entering this situation fail rather than succeed. I'm not afraid of failing at a lot of things, but this one I am.
Some things you get second chances at, and I've been blessed with having quite a few of those in my life. To make this work with her is not one of those things. I get one go round with her. I don't have to be perfect, but I need to figure out a way to turn that understanding into a manual of sorts that actually works for her, and works for me. Right now I need to deal with the things I can do differently, the things that actually are more or less under my control, and hope the rest falls into place. Its been a long time since I met someone I truly wanted to marry, and truly wanted them happy, happy with me, and me happy with them. She's right in that there is a lot I don't understand, and don't know about marriage, relationships, and a lot of other things. I hope she is patient. I love her very deeply, and the loss of my love, my best friend, my confidant, and all of the things that she is to me is way more than I ever want to bare.
Current mood:  thoughtful
Friday, October 23, 2009
Its not too often you call a company & get the president of the company answering their own phone. Who better to ask technical questions to though than the guy who designed, and built the amp? I own a Rivera M100 100 watt head, great head, but waaaay too loud, and the stock reverb leaves a lot to be desired.
Anyway, Mr.Rivera helped walked me through what I would need to do to pull half the tubes to cut the output power in half, how it would change impedance, gave me a suggestion for a better reverb pan (though I didn't ask [because I didn't expect to get him] whether his suggestion would sound better than the type-9 reveb pan. I told him some of the other symptoms I am having (way too early breakup in two modes, and his conclusion was pretty much the same as mine - pre tubes going weak in a couple positions). He also had a few tube recommendations based upon what is on the market and not unreasonable. All in all a very nice guy to deal with, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to put technical questions to.
All in all, my experience with two different high end amp manufacturers has been exceptionally good, and both companies (and their presidents) have made a very strong positive impression on me.
Curiously enough, the Koch Powertone II sounds even better to my ears for most things running in 50 watt mode (one EL-34 in each channel) than it did in 100 watt (2 EL'34's in each channel). The Rivera M100 is a mixed bag. I like the sound of channel 1 even better in half power mode+triode+variance in low power mode, but I do not think it improved the sound of channel 2 at all -- if anything it made some tones not as pleasant, and took away from the high end note sustain a bit. I'm going to play with it some more and try out different sounds in the other combination of modes it has. Though I know I'm not going to get what I fully want out of this amp until I replace at least 2 of the pre tubes,and install a few reverb unit.
Something I did discover, the Rivera M100 head makes a very nice (if not very adjustable) clean power amp for other preamplifiers (or the line-out's from several combo amplifiers). I like this a lot, as my Superchamp XD sounds great at low to mid volumes, but quickly deteriorates in quality (gets flubby and bass gets mushy and over-distorted) running through my open back 2x12. I didn't try it with the closed back cab to see if the results would improve, but I suspect they will not (or not by much). However, running the line out to the Rivera, and using it for additional amplification (no EQ'ing though) and backing off the volume slightly on the Fender Superchamp CD did yield a considerable improvement in sound quality, no flub, and though the volume of the amp is "fixed", it sounded good.
All of that got me to thinking: What if I blend signals? Book up the A/B/Y box and run it in Y mode, with both amps getting a signal from the guitar but the fender superchapXD's signal getting blended in with the tones of the Rivera head. I could still get the great low volumes tones of the fender anp before it gets flubby, amplified loud enough to hear clearly in the cheap seats, and a stronger gained signal from the Rivera to blend with it. I could even try taking advantage of the 2nd 2x!2 straight out from the Fender, or Daisy chained from the Rivera. (Now that it is in reduced power mode, the total wattage for both shouldn't exceed 30w, and is probably closer to 16-22W. What is nice with that is that I still have 4 more choices to go to blend sounds with it this way, and 8 more total when you consider I can always pop the two tubes in.
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I also have quite a bit of choice in how I want to work with my cabinets, I can run 2 2x12's and 10" as: both 2x12's series, both 2x12's parallel, both 2 x12's parallel, plus the stock speaker,, a single 2x12 + the 10" stock fender parallel, both 2x12's series plus the stock 10" speaker in the fender, or one 2x12 (either) + the 10" speaker in the Fender. A whole lot of choices. I'll let tone decide for now what I do.
That doesn't even include trying out the Koch head as a straight ampifier as well. (In which case I keep the recording out from that one and can use its speaker simulate for back into the mulitrack. Plus blend/layer the signal from several points with good mic's. Potentially 4 puts at once, though I'm forced to blend 2 of them on the fly (or accept the "cable") mix to make it do what I want I can also slap an effects unit in that chain anywhere (and it does benefit from a bit of compression).
Lot to play with today if I get up off my tail and do some stuff today. Originally the plan was to SLEEP today, and then to chemistry homework. So I don't have fully the days here empty to experiment.
I st my sight on doing a couple tasks today.: Finishing up the online part of Chapter 8 (even though I just took the test - a homework assignment is due, and I have maybe 3-4 questions I have yet to answer. I want to get a jump on chapter 9 and chapter 10 since I know I will insanely busy playing catch up reading with my economics class. I ordered the books, but they wont arrive before the first day of class, I'm likely to go up to the student library and copy whatever I think is the first chapter we are actually going to work on that way; keeping my bases covered in case my books take until later than Tuesday to arrive.) I'm *finally* at a point where I can catch up with my chem class, and catch a breath of air IF I am willing to knock out 9 now, and start on 10, and will set aside a couple hours to do this work daily so that I absorb it better. I truly wouldn't care that much about either class in the grand scheme of things, but due to me having to drop a class -- my financial aid is in jeopardy if I don't do well in both (meaning at least a B in my chemistry class, and hopefully an A in my economics class. I can live with a B there, but I can't live with less than a B in my chem class, and I really need an A in my chem class. To make my appeal for AID a 100% guarantee.
I'm debating on if I want to redo my loans & grants for a slight bit less -- and take only 9 credit hours next semester. Would delay things a bit more, but I could knock a quick class out over intersession if I wished to. ) I'm also seriously considering changing schools for one with a shorter semester. That way I could be there 2 *nights* a week and get everything done, maybe even faster, and closer to home. It would be a financial aid hassle, but it still would be possible to take classes at say STLCC to SLCC from a portion of loan money if I wanted to get something from there quickly. I also wouldn't have some institutional issues with my aid and STLCC that are unhandy. Honesty, the fatigue is a lot more than I expected it would be. the chemo from phase III of the experimental treatment, its just about as bad as it was during phrase I of the treatment. On the bight side, I'm in nowhere near the same level of pain as weh. Also, though my vitamin-D levels are a bit higher, I'm having less trouble with adrenal insufficiency than I did in phase I. I'm still worried bout it, because it shouldn't effect how much Cortisol I produce. That my adrenals would fail, and I would en up an addisonian on top of Neurosarc weighs daily in my thoughts every day I feel run down, Something else that was unexpected this round: Almost every dose of the pulse makes me run a fewer from: mild, to a degree more and I' in need of emergency cooling + Tylenol + Sodium Naproxen. I'm really hoping this effect is just temporary.
I miss my girlfriend today, and I'm missing sleep. I got up for meds, but that was an hour ago, I need to get myself in gear.
Current mood:  happy Current music: Danny Gatton - Sky King
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I had a technical question I emailed off to them, and got a response within an hour. I had asked if it was possible to pull two output tubes (currently EL34's) from the Koch Powertone II and reduce it from 100 watts to 50 watts. Not only did I get back a response, but they had specific instructions and caveats with doing it. I really like the sound of this amp better with two tubes pulled. One caveat, the output impedance changes when you pull two tubes.
From Koch: " Thank you for your e-mail. It is possible to reduce the amps power by pulling out two of the power tubes. Make sure you pull out the inner two or the outer two. That doesn't matter. There is just one thing you have to keep in mind: the output impedance of the amp doubles when you run the amp on just two tubes. So the 4 Ohm output will become an 8 Ohm output. The 8 Ohm output will become a 16 Ohm output and the 16 Ohm output will become a 32 Ohm output. If you keep that in mind you can run the amp on half power without problems."
So basically its pulling a tube from each of the independent power sections, and it still keeps the Koch Powertone II in push-pull mode, just at half the wattage, and the output impedance doubles. It sounds even better in this mode to me, as I can open it up a bit more to use more of the Marshall 800 type sounds from setting the gain a little lower, and using the volume knob for gain instead, and running the master a little higher.
I currently have the Koch Powertone II head for sale for $1100, though its going to be truly painful to part with it. Especially now that I know I can run it in half power mode.
Current mood: Delighted Current music: My own humble brand of blues and rock.
Friday, October 2, 2009
More & more I feel like I'm not quite where I want to be. I feel like a man without a country. I don't really feel wanted here at home, and though I have a girlfriend that loves me, I really don't feel like I can or should spend more time at her place than I already do. (Which is pretty much every weekend, or just about...) Its closer to "home", but its not home. Even if I had my own space there that was truly mine, I'm not sure it would quite reach the level of relaxation I need, and be able to fit into what the independent part of me wants to do. I miss being able to sit somewhere truly private to compose, and play music (more importantly, play music with others). There are things I get there that I can't get anywhere else, and I really miss having her company all of the time. I got spoiled with that over the summer, and I stayed there almost all of it.
I think some of it is that on the weekends we try to cram a lot more things in because we don't have as much time. Something I do know, we both need some company other than each other. My social network has really dwindled, and I know hers has. I know its bothering both of us too. There aren't too many people I truly feel like spending time with either, so that kind of complicates matters. I either need new people, or to resurrect a few of the friendships that are worth hanging onto. I need to actually spend some time focusing on that...in between cramming for chem.
My independent streak is also flaring up, and that desire just to go to a few parties with friends, and hang out with musicians is back in full swing. Until I find an outlet for that, I'm not going to be fully happy.
I know I'm giving things short shift in my life. School for one - its hard when I'm not doing anything that is truly meaningful towards what I want to do. General laziness is keeping me from spending as much time with it as I should, and I'm not sure how to break that pattern. I used to feel a lot more excited about things. Maybe the horrible class I had during the summer was a catalyst for the 'blah' feeling, but I'm not enjoying this term at all. The homework pattern means I never truly get a weekend fully free of it, and if I try to cram it into the day or two before then - I don't quite grasp what I'm supposed to from it. I feel like I'm giving Miss K short shift too in some ways. In some ways I am. I've got a mess of stuff to take care of there, and I'm not on top of it either. I don't feel like I can get on top of it without being there more. Easy to do when I'm there every day...but hard to get motivated to do it at 5am when I'm not (weather permitting).
I'm rambling a bit, and I'm not clear. I'm exhausted from not sleeping well, but I am definitely planning on going over to see miss K this weekend. We have plans to go downtown for an event, taste of St Louis,and I'm looking forward to that (even if it is a lot of time in the sun). I hope that brings us some happiness, and we just take some time pay attention on each other tonight. I think we both need a recharge ...but friends too, and I think without that, its not going to give either of us what we truly need at the moment. I know she feels just as lost as I do, but as simple as the solution sounds, its not so easy in practice to solve. Maybe we should take the church up on one of its groups and go, I don't know.
Current mood:  blah Current music: Heavy breathing...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
"Don't use cheap chinese tubes in your Rivera head, they are electrically incompatible and will damage the head." ...Except for *our cheap Rivera branded Chinese tubes* that is, specially tested for wallet draining...
I'm not being entirely sarcastic. I finally got around to replacing the preamp tubes in my Rivera head, and 3 out of 4 that I pulled appear to be Chinese (with a nice pretty Rivera sticker on one of them), 1 was Russian (albeit the nicer 12AX7 with the pretty gold pins).
I replaced the ones I could with some nice ANOS Motorola tubes I had laying around, and a Japanese Raytheon in the phase inverter position. If I had another NOS tube laying around that wasn't needed critically by something else, I would bother to replace V1 & the reverb tube too. I'll have to order a mess of NOS 12AX7's and play a bit rolling tubes. Something I *did* like that Rivera did, the amp covers have a notch in them that lines up with the tube covers (and there are tube covers for all of the preamp tubes). Lining up 12AX7's is hard enough as it is, but having the notch in the tube cover slot for a guide really helps, even if I did have to feel my way to put V2 back in. (I could have pulled the entire amp out of the case, but that was more work than I wanted to do at 1am.)
The amp sounds a ton better with the ANOS tubes in it. I'm betting that some of the tubes in that amp were original equipment. Its too bad I don't have a mess more Motorola tubes laying around. They actually sound rather good in this amp, and they don't sound very good in my Kalamazoo.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I recently bought a Rivera M100 tube guitar amplifier (EL-34, yadda - this was their top of the line product in the 80's and early 90's. Used by everyone from big hair 80's bands back in the day, to country super stars), and unless I hook up an attenuator (and yes, it does have power scaling, and a weak resistor based attenuator in the front of it) -- I can't really open it up to use it at bedroom volumes. Even in so called "10 watt mode" its just too frickin' loud for where it really sounds the best. (Concrete floors add to this effect, BTW.) Eventually I will break down and get a THD hotplate, or the more expensive but slightly better sounding Ultimate Attenuator. Because of this, I end up playing my smaller amps more.
All of this volume got me thinking about all of the small, and sometimes small-to-clubbable combos that are out there. The most kick butt combo amp I've ever owned is the Kalamazoo Model 1. 4-5 watts, single ended (class A), EL-84, single 12AXY, came with raytheon tubes (which are really a mullard tube made in Japan), two controls - volume and a single tone that acts more like a boost. Wide open, or nearly wide open, it sounds like SRV's biamped Marshall combo with a stratocaster. A fantastic little amp for noodling in the basement, though not enough for clubs (even if you mod it to run an extension speaker) without being mic'd and having a monitor. Unfortunately, I need to do a full recap on mine, do some minor mods to it (to make it useful for my specific and future needs), and its going to sit for a couple months.
Kalamazoo was the ugly step-child of the Gibson amplifier and guitar company. However, they did make some quite quality amplifiers with a lot cheaper cabinets. They made a truly great "poor man's princeton" in the Kalamazoo Reverb 12, and some bass amps in the 30 watt range that were better suited for guitar than bass. They also made a couple somewhat unpleasant solid state amps, which I wouldn't consider worth it. --- These amps (Model 1's, 2's, Reverb 12, Bass 30) used to be dirt cheap, and you could get some real bargains for a boutique sounding amp without the boutique nameplate. -- Then enter the collectors, and they ruined it. The collectors decided that any old tube amp was worth snatching up. Even total POS Magantone bottom-feeders are now going for $500+ in the out of control vintage market. Your sears/penny's catalog Harmony tube amp? $500+ same thing.. The Gibson amps that have the odd, and hard to find tubes? Even more obscene prices. I saw a 30 watt version going for over $1400 recently. The same amp I could have snatched up for $40 a few years ago. (It has nearly impossible to find tubes in it.) .
The second nicest small combo I've ever owned was a Fender Bronco, one of the original class A ones. It has tremolo, but not reverb. Wouldn't distort much in the breakup area, but it sounded very warm and pleasant when driven hard, and the tremolo was outstanding. Most people know about the Champ, Superchamp, and Vibrochamp -- the original tube Bronco was basically a Vibrochamp with a different badge on it. Because it didn't have the "champ" name on it, you could get these fairly cheap, but people have figured it out.
Pretty much any of the known to be fairly decent vintage tube amps are commanding obscene prices these days. There are some exceptions though. A lot of the earlier Rivera amps are still steals for what they are -- if you consider $700+ a steal. Occasionally you even see an R100 in that grouping (which is an easier to control version of the M100). But do the days of finding $300, or even $200, or $150 tube amps and under still exist for good, reliable, tube groove? (Yes, I know about some of the poorly made Chinese amps, with crappy tubes, weak OT's, and cheap speakers).
Yes, they do, but you are going to have to look at a few things that their brands might not have the reputation for it. People are familiar with the Peavey Classic 50 tube amp (which is a pretty good, and fairly roadworthy tube amp). They are generally familiar with its slightly more sterile sounding Classic 30. These amps unfortunately command more than they are worth, even used. Peavey hit a home run with them, and working musicians do know the value of them -- even if they ceased to be as good of a value a long time ago. Peavey made a lot of things that were decent quality. A lot of bands toured with Peavey PA systems, and Peavey Power amplifiers (and that was about all of the use I had for 90% of peavey gear for years.). People knew they made reliable, but not always great sounding solid state amps, and really awful sounding hybrid and wanna-be tube amps in the solid state Transtube lines. (Those sound pretty good at bedroom volumes, but they blow for noise and tone when you turn them up.) Peavey also made quite a few tube amplifiers though, and outside of a few country music stores, and those that catered to the "its still 1985" sound, you didn't see many of them for sale. Many of these amps are just too loud to be pleasant. Peavey had the mindset of "big watts cheap" and they delivered. If you needed 200-300 watts of power, Peavey was your place to get it for a buck per watt cost less than anyone else. For transistor amps this was fine, they made good stuff. For tube amps? Aside from a bass rig, 100-200-300 watts or more was just too much. They make some impressive and quality 100 watt tube amps if you just need amplification, and not warm tube break up. Those can (and always could and probably always will) be had for cheap, such as the VT100, or Rock Master tube 120. If you use stomp boxes in front of them, you can make them quite workable.
Peavey ALSO made a few diamonds in the ruff though. They made an amp line called the Bravo series, and a small one (about 16 "real" watts, claimed 20 or 22) called the Bravo 112 (Pair of EL-84's, 3 12AX7A's. Some people converted them to be able to take different tubes [commonly 6V6GT, but its a lot of work). It had a somewhat sucky reverb that went a little hyper above 3-4, but it had gain in spades, and a very pleasant clean channel that would breakup nicely at around 6. It was enough power to play with your friends at the bar if you mic'd it, turned it toward yourself to use as a monitor, and not so much that you couldn't play at home with great tone without going deaf. It even looked like a cheap Peavey transistor clunker amp, so people were unlikely to steal it. (The downsides? Really do need to take it apart to change the tubes, and fuses. The reverb wasn't great, and it could stand a better speaker.) On top of all of this, it has an effects loop, and the channels and reverb are footswitchable. For a lot of reasons, mostly being that it had the name Peavey on it -- this amp just didn't sell well. The blues guys didn't use Peavey at that time, the really hard rockers were still gigging on solid state, or the higher powered tube amps, and were not interested in a blues type amp, boutique and better suited for country music amplifiers were establishing themselves on the market for country players, and the blues and surfer players were not playing Peavey's before then. A lot of these amps sat in the stores for years, because the people who would want to test them out were not the kinds of folks who would want one, or could appreciate it wasn't a transistor amp. Even new a lot of them left the stores for $360 and under because of sluggish sales. Used? Its still possible to find Bravo 112's for $100-300 all of the time, and they don't disappoint for that kind of money even if you do decide to upgrade the tubes and speaker.
For a little bit more you can still find a Kalamazoo Reverb 12. You'll have to drop a better speaker, or more likely run an extension cab with it. They often need a lot more TLC than the Peavey's do, but they can be had in the $400-450 and under range frequently if you are patient. But gone are $200 days for these. However, the bass 30 amps are still going for cheap, and they can be made to sing with a little playing of values of resistors and capacitors in the pre-amp stages. $300 and under for these is not unheard of, and with a bit of haggling you might get one down to a steal price of $200-225.
Some of the Univox amps, and more often their heads are worth a look see. The collectors have started to ruin this for the musicians, but it hasn't gotten as obscene (YET) as it has for other amps. These almost always have abysmal cabinets with them, and are not necessarily easy to work on. Some of them do have a few odd tubes in them. Its worth it to snatch them up from garage and estate sales if they are dirt cheap, but you'll spend more hunting down odd tubes for many of them. It really pays to be familiar with what tubes are being currently made if you are going shop here. They started making limited runs of some of the odd and harder to find tubes in many instances. They might set you back $50-60 for a pair instead of $25-30, but new tubes can be had now in many cases.
If you have any recommendations for other cheap, and vintage gear that is worth it in the "Princeton" type category, with or without impressive gain, let me know.
Current mood: chipper Current music: bitchin' camero
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I've bee fighting it for a little over 3 1/2 weeks, but on the high dose clindamycin my head is clouded, I'm severely fatigued, suffer severe insomnia, and it doesn't do good things for my emotions. I also made a choice that put me in over my head. I scheduled a couple classes beyond what was my ability to really manage, considering that the work was due the next day and have another class the next day ... 3 days in a row, on completely alternate schedules. I should have known better than that, but I had pushed it many times over the summer and thought I could get away with it. What I hadn't counted on was a severe underestimate of how long some of the work would take me to do with my head clouded, factoring in traveling in the sun, and never being able to take a truly down day during the week (which unfortunately, I still need for health reasons -- insomnia & fatigue).
I still cringed to drop my class today, but at least at this point I get half back. The downside is, it puts me in a situation of having to appeal financial aid again. I *should* be able to get it in the spring with an appeal, but it is a risk, and a risk I do not relish taking, but one I realistically knew I had painted myself into a corner with. I could either give up every weekend from here until December, and still end up severely fatigued, over my head -- because I would have three days in a row of pushing my body beyond what its truly capable of week after week. I got overly ambitious and failed to appreciate that truly until today. Like I always say, better to try and fail than not try. In this case though, its a little creepy.
It really wont affect very much though. I'll end up having to take the math class I dropped next semester. There is really no way around it. I'll be a lot better prepared for it though, and I'll definitely try to schedule some things very differently until I am feeling truly a lot more well. I think 9-10 credit hours is a realistic limit if I'm taking hard science classes & math at the same time. I have another chemistry class I can knock out without having to have this one as a prereq, so it wont really affect anything. It wont even matter if I don't take that one until the fall. Its just that somewhere along the way I will either have to take summer again ... which I do not relish, or cram in a 9 week course of something at Columbia or a similar college if I want to send off my application to Edwardsville at the most optimistic date.
I prayed about it today, and I'm pretty sure I made the right decision. Trying to push it was making me have to cut corners everywhere, and far too many things were suffering for it, including all of my classes. All it took was a couple days in a row of feeling lousy, and a week of severe insomnia that followed and I no longer had the safety net I needed to recover. There is a lesson there about pushing, and though I've pushed my physical body to where it pushes back, I don't yet have the same ability to do it for complex mental tasks in the same way without great suffering. I hit another limit, and I'm not happy about it, but I do accept it.
Current music: Slightly sad.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
...and it looks more & more like a country on the decline. I blame Kennedy ...all of them... I know its deeper than that, but the real issues started there.
Despite feeling pretty miserable doing it, I got a lot of work done on the trench today. It was truly the worst part of the job I have encountered so far. (Though the section I did just prior to today was also dangerous, and extremely unpleasant to work on). I kept having to use muscles I am not used to using due to how the trench runs at the major slope of the hill. Lifting with bad mechanics really takes it out of me. Having to do the lifting in smaller loads to protect my back does as well. I ended up way more soaked with sweat, and feeling a lot worse at the end of the day than I had expected On the bright side, I secured the terraces with rebar and no longer worry about them caving in.
I'm going to have to do some thinking about what and how I do what I am going to do next. I'm thinking of pouring concrete to make the drop off less severe, give a base for the rebar to support the stone wall, and make the severe sloping area more erosion proof. I do want to be careful that I do give the water some safe path out -- even the water that makes it around the pipe. I'm also thinking there are some areas where I will need to use pebbles and sand rather than just sand alone to help hold things in place.
I'm happy enough working today, and probably the best thing for me. Struggling a bit with some personal vices, but doing well on the whole. I wish my emotions were in a better place constantly. On the bright side, Miss K had a great day out with friends & the kids. I had wanted her (and damn near ordered her) to go spend some time with friends. It does her a lot of good; she came home smiling, and genuinely happy for a change. I wish I had felt better & had been in a position to take advantage of that.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Whole lot on my mind today... Miss K's ex husband remarried over the weekend, she is still emotionally (and mentally) wonky from it, the kids are acting up, I'm getting fatigued, and I've hit the "hump" in both my work at school and my work here at the house. (For those that don't know -- I've been digging a ditch to lay drain pipe to solve an erosion & water flow problem here. Its a major project, and rebuilding the terraces just got added to it by their design -- something else I had not planned on! I've been doing most of this work by myself, and though I do not resent working alone - I had higher expectations of having help on it.)
The worst thing about my world at the moment is that some of the stresses, unhappiness, anxiety, and general doubt about the way the world is turning have been spilling over into my relationship with Miss K. I can't say that is entirely a one way street, but having her lost in her own world, moderately depressed, stressed, and anxiety riddled is not enjoyable to watch. I've tried to communicate that anyone in the same situation would feel these things, and that they are temporary --- but I know in my heart she is using this dark time to evaluate everything including: her relationship with me, if she really wants to stay, the possibility of finding another, how to minimize the impact on her kids of the goings on now, coming to terms with the past... I know this is also being viewed through a dark prism, and the ghosts of the past are very much alive at the moment. Though I had not intended to, I caused her to hurt too -- and I know she still feels some of that. At times I can feel her anger still lingering in the air (and I am unused to feeling it with high intensity), and though the source varies - her hurt is a near constant on some level.
Intuitively I sense something else as well, and it has raised some hairs on the back of my neck... These are trying times, and they are trying for both of us. While I love her tremendously, and incredibly deeply - my plans for her are conditional, my love for her is not. I realize I did lose something over the past couple months during another period of hurt. I lost a bit of the will to want to take certain roles. Those were roles I was formerly completely happy to try to step into. Even not completely ready, I would have simply moved them to the top (or higher on) the priority list. I've overcome plenty, and with a spirit of total willingness, hard work, and preparation - I likely would have overcome those things too. Suddenly I find myself less willing to do those things, and I do know why -- I just haven't been willing to admit the degree to which those hurts damaged my trust. faith, and hopes. It has created a bit of a cooling down period for me, and I no longer press as hard. Its also created days in which I come here and I still feel it in my heart - though I have forgiven her any pain - it still creeps up from time to time. Over the weekend I nearly broke down in tears from it when she walked in the door, and I didn't want to add to her burden sharing it with her. So I choked back the tears, and simply tried as best I could to enjoy the night. We had a pretty good night out, a concert is always a bit of fun, and we needed the night out. I have not dealt with those emotions fully, but at least I am conscious that they are still there, having an impact, and will be for a little while ...
There are lots of stages, and this is a stage where things go one of two ways: we either fix what we need to -- which takes a bit of work, a lot of patience, a lot of compassion, and a commitment to communication -- or we let those things deteriorate. I'm not willing to let this deteriorate quietly. Despite unpleasantness at the moment; I see the good things. I'm not in as dark of a place as she is, though I feel like a frickin' amateur (and I am at many of the things we face) and I don't know what to do ... If we survive this period as a couple, the tools we have picked up along the way to do it will be the tools that form a foundation to solve anything. We will need them! We can turn outwardly, inwardly, or toward each other for the hope & support we need.
In the meantime, I'm trying to keep doing everything else I should: Dishes, work on the house, cook, try to take care of her, try to take care of the kids, take care of myself, school, lawn...and yeah, I still have a few things on the board I've let slide for a time ... but it has sparked some thought about roles.
I have a lot more to share ... but I need to share it with someone else first.
Current mood: contemplative Current music: The whirl of many fans
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sleep...
I know my body needs another day of rest. Though I would probably choose to return to Miss K's tonight otherwise; I am likely far better off here tonight. Aside from which, I need to study ... I haven't yet decided what I would like to do. It is possible for me to go there tonight, work some tomorrow, come home after, and finish my studying and go to school from here. Only way this stuff gets done is slow steady work, and its just going to take time.
I have no doubt that this is a period of testing. I don't get to walk away from the life I had completely cleanly, not without something to challenge it. Its odd in a way, because I had a way to deal with such things before, and while I was no master at those methods, they were effective. Now I'm like an amateur again, and the worst thing of all is that I feel very alone in that. There are not that many people who have been where I have been, and chosen to go where I have now. I have always preferred the active to the passive, and having a full tool kit at my disposal. Its one of the few times I have truly felt dependent, and somewhat disarmed.
On a physical note...I need to start going to bed a lot earlier. Perhaps 10pm, maybe taking something an hour before then. The only way I can do things is to get up at 4:30-5am and work a few hours in the morning before it gets terribly hot.
It is nice to be home for a bit.
Monday, June 8, 2009
My disappointments are growing rapidly. I looked in the mirror and had the look like I was just about to break out into tears, but those don't come easily for me. At least I feel clean.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Its the end of the college semester, and finals are looming. It seems like no matter what the class, there was always something not covered, or rushed to be included. Every single class keeps adding one more thing at the last minute, dropped in our laps during the busiest part of the year. If only one professor did this, it would simply be an annoyance, but when all of them do it - and the amount of work is 4-8 hours for each thing dumped on us in addition to studying for finals and term papers and whatever else we have to do - it makes wug NOT a very happy camper. I will be pressed to do everything I have to do, and I am going to have to figure out a schedule that will work and allow this to happen.
For my math class the added dump on to having to study 8 1/2 chapters of algebra was a take home test that will take anywhere from 4-6 hours to complete. Its three times as much work as a standard exam, and worth half as much. Open book, but go figure...
For my communications class, it was adding yet another section of reading and take home work that we didn't get to cover in class...
For my English class, it was dumping an annotated bibliography and power point presentation assignment on top of having to write out term paper -- and making the due dates one and two days after the assignment is handed out on top of... That makes writing a bibliography very difficult when you only get a day to do it and have classes during that.
I'll be glad when this is done and I can maybe sleep for a week. I'm going to need it....
Current mood: frazzled Current music: Heavy Breathing.......
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
12:23AM
Love is built on the pillars of patience and kindness, and I've got a lot to learn about both.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The past week was a rough one physically due to fatigue. I lost nearly 3 out of 7 days in their entirety due to fatigue. Saturday completely in bed, as well as Monday. I still don't feel well today, a major dose of myopathy, but I don't have a choice anymore; I have to be up. If I had a choice I could go for another 8 hours of rest before approaching anything, and maybe I would finally feel better at the end of it. Those days can be very hard to lose; its a struggle to make up the time, and to finish everything I have set out to do. Sometimes things don't get done, and I have to just learn to accept that. I often feel like I'm missing out when the severe fatigue hits. I certainly would prefer to spend the time doing something else, and know I missed a lot of time with Miss K and the kids due to fatigue. However, that time is not without value. Aside from the physical demand my body is making that I eventually cannot ignore, I was reminded repeatedly how much I am loved during my downtime. Its one thing to hear it, its another to know it, and I know it.
So much to do today, and so little time... So I've got to cut this short.
Current mood: indescribable Current music: Pandora
Monday, March 23, 2009
I spent nearly all week at Miss K's over break; I come home tonight and I still miss her.
I would love to just have a quiet night with nothing to do and be able to relax, but I have a mess of homework and a test in my algebra class Tuesday I have to study for. I have a *new* scientific calculator that also does graphing to figure out as well. I really would have rather had a TI 84-Plus, but I don't have time to go and exchange it now, so have to make the best of it. It does everything the TI does and was cheaper, which is why she got it, but something to be said for working with what you know. There isn't much difference between the 83 (which I've used) and the 84, but a ton of difference in how you enter the commands on the Casio.
I'm deciding how I want to split this up, but even if I make a plan it will be difficult to stick to it. I pretty much have to let the work determine what I do. I figure 6 or 7 hours tonight minimum, and probably about that much tomorrow. The more I do tonight, the less I have to rush and stress tomorrow..so worth it to stay up late and work on it if I have to. I will be very glad when I am done with the math requirements. The downside of a hard science major is all of the math and intensive homework, plus the weed outs like organic chemistry that test your ability to memorize a lot of facts, mostly trivial stuff you'll never use again, even as a pharmacist. But its there, and I have to get through it. I have 2 more math classes to knock out, hopefully I can do it in 2, and almost a year and a half of chemistry to knock out before I can even work on the stuff at pharmacy school... Ugh!
Current mood: geeky Current music: Airplanes...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Its really breaking my heart to watch Brandy (my Ozzie Shepherd) get old & get sick. To watch as she struggles to find any way to get comfortable, has barrel lung & an awful cough, and I know she is in pain. I really can't do much to help her, and she just continues to lose interest in much of anything. Even the simple joy of attention she rarely enjoys anymore.
I used to get so much response from her, especially petting & talking to her. Now its going to be a matter of when we make the decision to put her down, and not if.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I deal with a couple unreasonable people on a fairly frequent basis. I try to limit my contact as much as I can, but it is impossible to avoid them completely. Reasonable people you can reason with, and they will let the needs of the situation and logic dictate what they say & do. Unreasonable people try to force you to play a script/role, and if you deviate from that script or refuse to play that role, they try to make your life miserable.
It should be noted that unreasonable people can still be quite successful in life. Even earning masters degrees. They can be bosses, run companies (and working for an unreasonable boss is a very hard place to be), become teachers...etc They may not be unreasonable with everyone, sometimes they confine this unreasonableness to just a few people, or those closest to them.
I haven't quite found the tactics that lead to a solution dealing with unreasonable people, and I wish I had something positive to say...but they can really wear you down over time. I'm dealing with one now who made it to assistant professor. One of the unfortunate effects of having an unreasonable person in that role is that they are hard to remove from it, and due to a difference in power, they can get away with it for a period of time. If any of you have had experience dealing with and trying to get unreasonable professors removed, I would love to hear your stories and the pitfalls involved.
Current mood: mildly annoyed
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